Friday, April 22, 2011

Splitting Hares.

No one panic! You over there panicking, stop that right this instant!

It's true that we are now just a little over a week away from the fifth episode of The Variety Society, but PLEASE, try to contain yourselves! The last thing we need is for your frenzied enthusiasm to boil over into a blood-red tide of civil violence that will sweep through the entire city.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT incite any riots on our behalf, no matter how much the publicity would ultimately benefit us. It's just not worth it for you or those around you. It would be totally worth it for us, but we wouldn't put our success above the public's safety. Although, if you were to put our success above the public's safety, we couldn't stop you. Just saying.

Instead, let us speak of Blake Schaefer, to calm your nerves and help suppress the urge to raise our show's profile via fire-lit reveling in the streets. Who is Blake Schaefer? At first you might think that he was an ill-conceived, barber-themed supervillain from John Byrne's Superman run, but you're thinking of Black Shaver. No, Blake Schaefer is our scheduled musical guest for next week.

Why did we go with Schaefer? To answer that question, you need only look at the cover art from his latest album:

Folks, your eyes are not playing tricks on you: That is a rabbit, jumping into the air, amidst a shower of gold-plated (solid gold?) guns. It's the cover of Blake Schaefer's "Between Two Worlds". Those two worlds being, apparently, the world of jumping rabbits and the world of golden guns.

I ask you, what does this mean? I ask you and you don't know. Because you're not responsible for it. As we all know, Christopher Lee was the Man With the Golden Gun, the Solex Agitator, which would have brought the world to its knees if not for the intervention of 007. But Roger Moore is not here to save us now.

How did this rabbit (or hare? I can't really tell) come into possession of the device? What did Christopher Lee have to do with it? Why did the studio stick with Roger Moore for so long? I want answers, damn it! And Blake Schaefer is the only man who can give them.

We will fully debrief Mr. Schaefer LIVE, SATURDAY, APRIL 30th, 3:30 PM, at the BOXCAR THEATRE STUDIOS, 125A HYDE STREET! In the meantime, please continue not rioting. But if you MUST riot, try to do it in one of our t-shirts. Because as George HW Bush said after he threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister, there's no such thing as bad publicity.

No comments:

Post a Comment